Experiment 914: The Stolen Smile
by Laurie3
Summary: Carmen Sandiego is trapped on the SOL forced to watch her most horrid caper!  Can Mike and his robot friends help her cope?  (Co-Authored w/ Kevin Farley et. al.  Credit given when due of course!)
1. Thief in Space

  
  
Experiment #914: "The Stolen Smile"  
  
By Laurie LeBlanc and Kevin Farley  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters of "Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?"  
are copyright Dic Productions and Broderbund Software. Carmen  
Sandiego is a registered trademark of Broderbund Software. All  
the characters of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are copyright  
Best Brains, Inc. They're all used without permission.  
  
Yes, we do love the animated Carmen series, but this episode  
is not that good at all. And we figured what better way to  
express our dislike than to do a MSTing of it.  
  
As for Carmen being there...she's suffering, sorry to say.  
To distinguish her in the theater from Carmen in the  
episode, the dialogue and actions will be headed: Screen Carmen.  
  
Also, the script of "The Stolen Smile" is not complete. There  
are some lines omitted or paraphrased, though the general  
script is in tact. We also realize that this wouldn't be  
a full MST3K episode either, but numbered it #914 to put it  
in the ninth season.  
  
  
(Warning: This fic is rated PG for language.)  
  
(theme song, followed by all 6 theater doors closing)  
  
(Zoom in to Mike with Crow and Tom Servo)  
  
Mike: Hey everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Lo-  
  
(crashing noise followed by the room shaking)  
  
Crow: What was that?  
  
Mike: I'm not sure, but I'll go see. (exits)  
  
Mike (from off camera): Are you ok?  
  
(There are some clanging sounds followed by a female  
voice replying.)  
  
Female voice: (off camera) I...I think so.  
  
Mike: (off-camera) We'll make sure you're just fine, Miss...?  
  
Female voice: (off camera) Sandiego. I'm Carmen Sandiego...and  
you are?  
  
Tom: (shouting to Mike) HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON?!  
  
Mike: (off-camera) HANG ON A SEC! Guess I'd better get back to  
the guys and you can explain everything to everyone. I'm Mike Nelson,  
by the way.  
  
Carmen: (off camera) Nice to meet you, Mike.  
  
(Enter Mike with a shaken up Carmen [sporting her standard  
outfit] behind him.)  
  
(Robots look surprised.)  
  
Tom: You're...you're...  
  
Crow: Wait, how...  
  
Carmen: I can explain, but before I do...who are you two? (points  
to each robot)  
  
Tom: Oh yeah, that would be good to know. Well, I'm Tom Servo- chick  
magnet.  
  
Crow: And I'm Crow T. Robot, the intellectual one.   
  
Carmen: Mmm hmm. And that camera in front of us...?  
  
Mike: Oh, that's just Cambot. Go ahead and wave.  
  
(Carmen waves with a confused look on her face.)  
  
Carmen: So, is that everyone?  
  
Mike: Well...almost....  
  
Carmen: I take it there's something more I'm going to need to know.  
  
Crow: We'll fill you in, but first, your story!  
  
Carmen: Very well. In my lab, there's a professor who works  
on new gadgets for me that assist me in my capers. She was  
testing out some kind of transport glider that somehow  
ended up crashing into the door of this satellite.  
  
Mike: Good thing the professor gave you a helmet and  
air tank, huh?  
  
Carmen: Indeed.  
  
Mike: Well, no real damage was done. And just as   
long as you're ok-  
  
Carmen: I'm fine. Was it ok just to leave the equipment  
over there?  
  
Mike: Sure.  
  
Crow: (taps Mike on the shoulder and whispers in his ear)  
Hey Mike, think she could get us outta here?  
  
Mike: (whispers back) Not sure, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.  
  
Crow: Hey Carmen, we were just wondering-  
  
(Mads light flashes.)  
  
Mike: Rats, Pearl's calling.  
  
Carmen: Pearl?  
  
Mike: You'll see- it's not a good thing. (looks outward)   
Hey Pearl, what's up?  
  
(cut to Castle Forrester where Pearl and Brain Guy   
look on.)  
  
Pearl: Mike...(suddenly looks a bit confused)  
wait, you've got a guest there...  
  
Brain Guy: (eyes wide) Pearl! We could have trouble!  
  
Pearl: How-  
  
Brain Guy: (pulls Pearl aside and whispers) Pearl,  
Mike's "guest" is none other than Carmen Sandiego.  
She's a thief known to escape any prison she's  
put in. If she could escape-  
  
Pearl: (eyes widen with realization and she whispers   
her reply) You mean, she could help Nelson   
and the tinkertoys escape?  
  
Brain Guy: (whispers) Exactly.  
  
Pearl: We can't let that happen!   
  
Brain Guy: And have I got an idea. Send them   
a video of her most horrid caper!  
  
Pearl: And that helps...how?  
  
Brain Guy: (growls at Pearl's lack of understanding)  
Don't you get it? If we make her suffer through her  
own caper, it may make her weak enough to abandon   
thoughts of her escaping. Besides, we need time to  
figure out a way to get her off so that she won't  
come back in any sort of rescue attempt.  
  
Pearl: Hey, sure, make 'em ALL  
suffer! (to everyone on SOL) Hey there,  
have I got a treat for all of you. In honor of your  
guest, I dug up a caper of hers on video that  
was quite...well, forgettable.   
  
(cut to Satellite of Love)  
  
Carmen: Oh no, she can't mean-  
  
(Castle)  
  
Pearl: I do! Hey Brain Guy, dress Carmen up in  
proper attire and send 'em all (chuckles  
wickedly) "The Stolen Smile!"  
  
(SOL)  
  
Carmen: Oh no...(looks a bit green)  
  
(Castle)  
  
Brain Guy: One jumpsuit coming-  
  
(SOL)  
  
Tom: WAIT!!  
  
(Castle)  
  
Brain Guy: What is it now?  
  
(SOL)  
  
Tom: Look Brain Guy, we just have one request. I know   
Carmen's color is red, but don't give her a red jumpsuit.   
There's been one human who's worn one here and we'd   
like to...you know, retire the color.   
  
Carmen: This person must have been really special to you then.  
  
Crow: Yeah. His name was Joel Robinson and he was the guy who did make us.  
  
Carmen: Oh, I see.  
  
Tom: Yeah, good ol' Joel. (chuckles and pauses) You know, he gave   
us the stupidest good-bye message.  
  
Crow: He did! And remember, he made those silly inventions...  
  
(both laugh hysterically and then pause and look at   
each other. Then they look sad.)  
  
Tom and Crow: WE MISS JOEL!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!  
  
(Mike gives each 'bot a hug.)   
  
Mike: (wonders out loud) Think   
they'd care this much if I left?  
  
Tom: (sniffling) Maybe Mike but-  
  
(castle)  
  
Pearl: HEY! Tinkertoys! SHUT UP!  
  
(SOL)  
  
Tom and Crow: (still sniffling) O...k.  
  
(castle)  
  
Pearl: So Brain Guy, pick another color to shut 'em up.  
  
Brain Guy: Will do, Pearl. If I remember correctly, Carmen did wear   
one brown outfit, so...(uses his powers and the sound effect  
plays.) There you go.  
  
(SOL)  
  
(Carmen's clothes change into a light brown jumpsuit and hat. Under   
the jumpsuit is a red turtleneck.)  
  
Mike: Oh man, I see they've dressed you for the movie Carmen. You get   
used to such clothes after awhile, trust me.  
  
Carmen: (looking over her new attire) I...uh...hope so.  
  
(Castle)  
  
Pearl: NOW SEND THE MOVIE!  
  
Brain Guy: Oh, of course! (uses his powers as sound effect plays)  
There.  
  
(Suddenly the movie lights flash and the alarm sounds.)  
  
Mike and 'bots: WE GOT MOVIE SIIIIIIIIIIIGN!  
  
(Carmen looks confused. Tom and Crow dash off.)  
  
Carmen: What do I-  
  
(Mike grabs her by the hand.)  
  
Mike: C'mon, we gotta get into the theater! (Mike   
runs off, dragging Carmen behind him.)  
  
(Theater door opens followed by doors 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.)  
  
(Mike enters carrying Servo. Behind him is Crow followed by Carmen.  
Crow sits down in the far right seat, Mike sits in   
the next seat and places Servo on the  
chair to his left. Carmen sits down next to Servo.)  
  
(A little note, we're using the video, therefore the Fox theme  
precedes the episode.)  
  
(20th Century Fox theme.)  
  
Mike: Star Wars?  
  
("Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?" theme song begins.)  
  
Mike: Guess not.  
  
(A live-action boy is sitting at his computer. He moves his  
mouse onto an option on the screen that reads "Acme Headquarters." There  
is a blue flash of light and the Chief appears on the  
screen with a blue background behind him.)  
  
Carmen  
That screen should be pink.  
  
Tom  
Pink?  
  
Chief: Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?  
  
Tom  
Uh, well, (motions to Carmen) here.  
  
(Zoom in on Chief's eyeball followed by a quick  
zoom through the C-5 corridor which is filled  
with computer generated frames of various facts.)  
  
Crow  
Whoa, slow down!  
  
(scene comes into animation with a crowd celebrating  
at a Chinese festival.)  
  
Singers: Where is Carmen Sandiego  
  
Tom  
(motions to Carmen)  
Here.  
  
Carmen Sandiego  
  
(a lady comes by with a giddy expression on her face.  
She's holding a sparkler in each hand.)  
  
Crow  
Hee hee! I'm stoooned!  
  
(lady dips down and behind her and the C-5 entrance  
appears.)  
  
Singers: Where on Earth can she be?  
  
Tom  
She's not, she's here!  
  
Singers: Tell me, where is Carmen Sandiego?  
  
Tom  
I did!  
  
Carmen Sandiego, Where on Earth can she be?  
  
Tom  
Don't you LISTEN?  
  
Ooh, ooh, ooh  
Sphinx Mona Lisa  
Leaning Tower of Pi  
  
Crow   
They said pee, huh-huh.  
  
sa  
London Zoo, Timbuktu  
Can you help us find a clue?  
  
Tom   
Too late for that!  
  
Oh, where is Carmen Sandiego?  
  
Tom  
Here, damn it!  
  
Carmen Sandiego  
Where on Earth can she be?  
  
Tom  
FOR THE LAST TIME, HERE!  
  
(show logo)  
  
Crow  
This is supposed to be educational, right?  
  
(title screen, displaying writers' names)  
  
Mike  
But was this really written?  
  
Crow (noticing a writer's name)  
Kimmer Ringwald. Molly's sister?  
  
Tom (noticing a second writer's name)  
And Sean Roche as the Smile.  
  
(Scene opens showing windmills. It's a stormy  
night scene with lightning bolts crashing in the background.  
A black cat jumps onto the screen, hisses and bounds off.)  
  
Tom  
A pissed off Salem takes off.  
  
(cat jumps on buildings' roofs running off to the left  
of the screen)  
  
Tom  
He really gets around. Gotta be the paws.  
  
(Scene shifts to a greenish building, a museum. There  
is a sign on it.)  
  
Mike (reading sign)  
Vincent Van Gogh.  
  
Crow  
My ear! My ear!  
  
(First shot of Carmen on the screen. She is walking  
down a flight of stairs.)  
  
Crow  
There she is.  
  
(The black cat jumps by the window and hisses.)  
  
Tom  
Cat doesn't like you, it seems.  
  
Carmen  
Shut up.  
  
(On screen Carmen reaches the end of the flight of stairs,  
and then walks down the museum hall. As she slows  
down, sparkles can be seen by on screen Carmen's ankles.)  
  
Crow  
Doing a little angel dust on the side?  
  
Carmen  
Crow....  
  
(On screen Carmen pulls a device out of her coat- a silver  
flat gadget with a slide rule on top.)  
  
Crow  
Whoa!  
  
(On screen Carmen places device on painting,  
slide the rule over which takes the eyes from painting.)  
  
Mike  
Now my eyes are gone!  
  
(On screen Carmen glances at stolen section of the  
painting and smiles. Suddenly, Dutch screaming is  
heard in the background.)  
  
Tom  
That means "stop or we'll dance in wooden shoes."  
  
(On screen Carmen dashes off until she is below a  
large window. A rope lowers toward her with a loop  
attached to it. She places one foot in the loop  
and grabs the rope with both ankles. The  
rope quickly pulls her upward. Subtitles   
then appear on the screen reading, "She's getting away!")  
  
Mike and 'bots  
Duh!  
  
(A dog tries leaps after on screen Carmen.)  
  
Crow  
That dog didn't get a rabies shot!  
  
(Windows close. Scene shifts to an overview of the city.   
A red jet waiting for on screen Carmen takes off.  
Window is mysteriously open in fly by shot.)  
  
Tom  
The windows' open again!  
  
(Helicopters come on the scene, chasing after the jet.)  
  
Crow  
Here comes the traffic team.  
  
(Jet goes under bridges that have narrow arches to  
pass through.)  
  
Mike and 'bots (singing)  
We're riding the streets of Venice  
We certainly do get around!  
  
Cop (in helicopter): We know it's you Carmen Sandiego!  
  
Mike  
Finally it hits them!  
  
(Jet is brought down as helicopters push it  
to the ground.)  
  
Crow  
Oh no! Traffic's too bad! Land!  
  
(Cops exit the helicopters and some cars  
arrive on the scene to assist them. A couple  
of cops approach the jet.)  
  
A cop: Finally we have captured the  
world famous-  
  
(Cops open jet door revealing a dummy in the  
cockpit. Cops gasp.)  
  
Mike and 'bots  
What-? But you-?  
  
Carmen (chuckles to herself)  
  
(Scene shifts back to museum, door opens. There is a dog waiting.)  
  
Tom (dog)  
Gimmie my rabies shot!  
  
On screen Carmen: Sit! (though it sounds very much like 'tit.")  
  
Crow  
TIT? You said TIT?  
  
Carmen (ticked)  
I SAID sit!  
  
Crow  
Uh, nope!  
  
(Dog sits and pants.)   
  
On screen Carmen: Good boy. (pats dog on the head and exits)  
  
Tom  
Bet you say that to all the guys...  
  
(Carmen punches Tom's head and it comes off. He screams.)  
  
Player: I can catch you Carmen.  
  
Crow (mockingly)  
I'm rubber and you're glue.  
  
On Screen Carmen: Go ahead, try. This should be fun.  
  
Tom  
About as fun as a ROOT CANAL!  
  
(fade out)  
  
Crow  
It's over, let's go.  
  
(Mike sits Crow back down. He then pulls out a new  
head for Tom and screws it on.)  
  
(Fade back into Player at his computer.)  
  
Tom  
Thanks. (he then leans towards Mike and  
nervously asks) Mike, can we trade seats?  
  
Mike  
Servo, stop it.  
  
Tom  
But Mike!  
  
Mike  
Servo!  
  
Tom (nervously)  
Ok...  
  
Chief: (appears on screen) Hey  
Player, come on, let's bust a move.  
  
Tom (singing)  
You want, you got it...  
  
Pick a detective, and make it snappy.  
  
(The letters I-V-Y appear on the screen as  
each letter appears all read them. Ivy beams in.)  
  
Mike  
Beam me in, Scotty.  
  
Ivy: Hello Player. Thanks for picking me.  
  
Crow  
I didn't and my name is Crow!  
  
Ivy: I have a grudge to settle with that  
Carmen Sandiego.  
  
Crow  
All right, whatcha do?  
  
Carmen  
Nothing at all.  
  
Tom  
Sure....  
  
Ivy: I can handle anything Carmen throws at me  
  
Crow  
Including large metal objects.  
  
on my own!  
  
Chief: Ivy, Ivy, Ivy. You must simply learn to accessorize.  
  
All (snicker)  
  
Crow  
Pink background, that voice....you think...?  
  
Chief: A partner could be so right for you.  
  
(Screen now shows a 4 pictures- one of Wilber Wright,  
one of Orville Wright, one of Lewis and the other of  
Clark.)  
  
Chief (in background): Think if Wilber didn't have Orville.  
  
Tom  
Think if Batman never had Robin.  
  
(Zoom back to Ivy.)   
  
Ivy: Yeah, yeah, the Wright Brothers would have never  
invented the first airplane.  
  
Crow  
So bite me!  
  
Chief: AAAAH! Duck!  
  
Mike  
Sorry, my turrets again.  
  
(Plane flies over Ivy's head. She ducks and screams.)  
  
(Scene shifts to screen with the 4 pictures on it.  
A line is drawn down to Clark)  
  
Mike (sports caster)  
They're down to the 20...  
  
Chief: (in background) And what would Lewis  
do if Clark wasn't always fetching-  
  
Photo of Clark: Are we there yet?  
  
Mike and 'bots  
NO!  
  
(Shift back to Ivy.)  
  
Ivy: Fine but who...  
  
(Shift to the Chief's screen.  
Letters Z-A-C-K appear on it.)  
  
Zack?! My brother Zack?  
  
Crow  
As long as it isn't the Hanson!  
  
(Shift to the Acme Detective  
Agency floor. Zack beams in.)  
  
Mike (surfer dude)  
Beam me in too, dude!  
  
Zack: Hey Ivy, you working this case with me?  
  
Tom  
NO!  
  
Ivy: Correction- you are working this case with  
me, little brother.  
  
Crow  
The dog from "Mulan?"  
  
Zack: Hey Playmeister, what's up?  
  
Crow  
That's Crow!  
  
Chief: (surfer voice) What's up Zack (normal voice)  
is that Carmen stole the eyes of a Van Gogh painting.  
  
(On the Chief's screen, the painting is  
pictured. A second later, the  
eyes disappear from it.)  
  
All (screaming)  
I'M BLIND!  
  
(Shift back to Acme floor)  
  
Ivy: But Chief, why would Carmen just steal  
the eyes, when she could have stolen the  
whole painting?  
  
Tom   
Yeah, why?  
  
Chief: Well, that's what you and  
the Boy Wonder have to find out.  
  
Crow  
He's Robin?  
  
Zack: Ok sis, let's go!  
  
Ivy: (growls) Please don't call me that, Zachary!  
  
All  
Ooooooooh!  
  
Chief: Well, let's go Player! If I had a life,  
we'd be wasting it!  
  
Crow  
Which one of us said that? (looks around)  
  
(Zack skateboards towards the Headquarters' doors.  
A few feet before them, the C-5 corridor entrance  
appears. Zack stops too short on his board and falls.)  
  
Tom  
Ouch, my ass!  
  
(Zack's skateboard drifts into the corridor entrance.)  
  
Chief: The Player has accessed the C-5  
corridor.  
  
Mike  
Complete with sparkling blue light effects.  
  
Zack: No way am I C-5ing it to Holland, Chief!  
  
Crow  
They wear wooden shoes there!  
  
Chief: You know Zack, Franklin D. Roosevelt had a  
saying-  
  
(There's a countdown on the Chief's screen when it  
starts...)  
  
Tom  
He's gonna blow up!  
  
(After it reaches one...)  
  
Mike and 'bots  
BOOM!  
  
(Footage of FDR appears on screen.)  
  
FDR: The only thing we have to fear is  
fear itself.  
  
Carmen  
And watching this caper!  
  
(Shift to Acme floor.)  
  
Zack: Oh yeah, well I got a saying too-  
  
Crow  
Bite me!  
  
Zack: If it doesn't have a seat belt  
and an in-flight movie, I don't fly it.  
  
Ivy: Chief, the C-5 corridor doesn't  
always get us where we want to go.  
  
Crow  
To the bathroom!  
  
Chief: It's got a few minor glitches,  
so sue me!  
  
Tom  
Oh, I trust him!  
  
Chief: Besides, while you travel, the Player can  
call up information.  
  
Tom  
To find out Carmen's  
RIGHT NEXT TO US!  
  
(C-5 map appears.)  
  
Chief: Now let's blow this motherboard!  
  
Crow  
He said-  
  
Mike  
We know! We know!  
  
Chief: Technology, ya gotta love it.  
  
Crow  
No! It got us stuck up here!  
  
Chief: We're C-5ing you from San Fransisco to Amsterdam.  
  
Mike  
Where you'll be wearing wooden shoes.  
  
(Doors open.)  
  
Mike  
Oh and your in-flight movie will be "Rambo."  
  
Chief: You're heading to Northern Europe.  
  
Crow  
I thought we were going to Amsterdam!  
  
Chief: Destination, the Netherlands.  
  
Tom  
AMSTERDAM!  
  
Chief: The Netherlands, which is also known  
as Holland, which is also known as the  
Netherlands.  
  
Mike  
Now I'm confused.  
  
("Camera" smacks into a large screen.)  
  
Chief: There you'll see- wooden shoes  
  
Mike and 'bots  
No!  
  
and tulips. I gotta tell ya,  
this place is FLAT, flat as a pancake.  
  
Crow  
Blueberry?  
  
You wanna build a bowling alley, well   
this is the place!  
  
(Cartoon bowler bowls down windmills.)  
  
Mike  
O.....k....  
  
(C-5 corridor opens. Ivy falls on the  
sidewalk. Zack lands in tulips.)  
  
Tom  
There's the tulips, now where's  
the wooden shoes?  
  
Zack: The C-5 did it again!  
  
Tom  
It stole my underwear!  
  
Zack: This is definitely not the museum.  
  
Crow (sarcastically)  
Really?  
  
(A strange little man, Toriste Classe is focused on. He is  
hiding out spying on the 2 detectives on his motorscooter.  
He has a camera in his hand with an antenna on it.  
There's also a screen on it with on screen Carmen's  
picture on it. Suddenly, Toriste's   
antenna is right near his nose.)  
  
Mike and 'bots  
EW!  
  
Toriste: Hey boss, there's two  
Acme detectives here!  
  
On Screen Carmen: Is my little surprise  
ready?  
  
Crow  
You look...um...stoned.  
  
Carmen (growls)  
  
(Toriste laughs.)  
  
Crow  
Oh God!  
  
Toriste: Of course!  
  
On Screen Carmen: Get out of the country- now!  
  
Tom  
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!  
  
(Scene shifts back to the detectives. Zack is now next to  
Ivy on the sidewalk. Toriste's scooter zooms by them.)  
  
Ivy: Look over there! (she points. Scene then  
focuses on old guy)  
  
Tom  
It's Mr. Hooper! He's alive!  
  
Ivy: C'mon! There's Toriste Classe!   
Let's slap on a brain bucket  
  
Tom  
Uh, that requires a brain.  
  
and go after him!  
  
(Ivy and Zack put on helmets and get on a scooter  
together. Ivy is up front driving.)  
  
Ivy: Toriste is a con artist and international  
art thief.  
  
Zack: And Carmen's just stolen the   
eyes of a Van Gogh!  
  
Mike  
At least somebody read the script!  
  
(Zoom out to show city and the  
two motorscooters chasing each other.)  
  
Tom  
Exciting....  
  
(Zoom back onto the detectives.)  
  
Zack: Think there's some connection?  
  
Mike  
Ya think?  
  
(The detectives pursue Toriste to a bridge. Toll bar   
comes down.)  
  
Mike and 'bots  
YOU HAVE TO PAY THE TOLL FIRST!  
  
(Detectives do the same. The scooters are now driving upward on  
the raising bridge. Zack notices the edge of the bridge is near.)  
  
Zack: Look out sis!  
  
Ivy: (as scooter goes off bridge) DON'T CALL ME SIIIIIIIIIS!  
  
Crow  
We'll call you biiiiitch....  
  
(Toriste's motorcycle transforms. There are   
sail-like thing that make wings on the scooter.)  
  
Tom  
The most complex umbrella!  
  
(Zack and Ivy are screaming as their scooter  
falls. They get larger and larger,  
as if the "camera" is getting closer  
to them.)  
  
Crow  
They're gonna hit the camera!  
  
(Quiz question appears on screen)  
  
Zack's voice in background: What is another  
name for the Netherlands?  
  
Crow  
I dunno, they got me confused!  
  
Mike  
I thought this was supposed to be educational?  
  
(All leave. Theater doors close behind them.)  
  
  
(Mike, Crow and Carmen are standing in the main room of  
the SOL.)  
  
Crow: Where's Servo?  
  
Mike: Got me. He took off as soon as we left the theater.  
(notices a note on the counter.) Hey...let's see here...  
  
Crow: What's it say?  
  
Mike: It says (reads) 'Dear Mike and Crow, I'm hiding  
right now. I don't want Carmen to knock off my head again.  
I'll be in for the movie, but otherwise, I'm staying as far  
away from her as possible! Your buddy, Servo.'  
  
Crow: Mike, this is serious.  
  
Carmen: I didn't think I used that much force with that punch.  
And I really-  
  
Crow: Well, look what you've done anyway! You scared Servo  
half to death!  
  
Mike: Now Crow-  
  
Carmen: Crow, if I find him, I'll tell him I'm sorry.  
And I-  
  
Crow: Ok lady, look- there's something ya gotta know here.  
Servo, Mike and I are stuck here watching these bad movies  
and such. We survive by making fun of them. We always comment  
on the actions of the characters and amuse ourselves like this.  
Right Mike?  
  
Mike: Well yeah...  
  
Crow: And see, we're just doing that. We don't have any  
feelings against you when we do. So get it straight-  
we're joking!!!  
  
Carmen: So, those comments that make me sound like a  
stupid drug using hooker-   
  
Crow: All in fun. Hey, lighten up, all right? And Servo  
was just joking as well.  
  
Carmen: Well, I do feel terrible. And I'm never a woman of  
violence to begin with, I have no idea what came over me.  
  
Mike: Hey, just find Servo and say you're sorry. I'm sure  
things will be fine after that.  
  
Carmen: Oh I will, Mike.  
  
Mike: Good, now let's go find Tom.  
  
Crow: Yeah, let's play, "Where on the Satellite of  
Love is Tom Servo?" (snickers)  
  
Mike: Ok, so where's a good place to start looking?  
  
Crow: Let's start a search party!  
  
(Carmen glances upward.)  
  
Carmen: Never mind. (points upward) I found him.  
  
(Mike and Crow glance up.)  
  
Mike: (shouting up) Hey Tom, you can come down now!  
  
Tom: (off camera shouting back down) Not until  
Carmen says she's sorry!  
  
Carmen: (shouts up) Tom, I'm really sorry. I lost my  
temper and I promise I will never hurt you again. Please  
come back down and all will be well.  
  
Tom: (shouts down) I can't!  
  
Carmen: (shouts up) I mean what I say, Tom. Won't you please  
come down?  
  
Tom: (shouts down) Oh, I believe you, it's just that....well  
(sheepishly) I'm...um....stuck up here in the rafters.  
  
Mike: (shouts up) Hang on, I'll bring you back down.  
  
(Commercial lights flash.)  
  
Mike: We'll be right back. (exits)  
  
(Fade out.)  
  
To be continued....   
  



	2. You're One of Us Now

Part 2  
  
Written by:  
Kevin Farley, Laurie LeBlanc, Derek Snow and Stephanie Beaulieu  
  
(Mike, Carmen and the robots take their respective seats in the theater.)  
  
Zack's voice, answering the posed quiz question: Another name for the  
Netherlands is Holland.  
  
Mike  
True or False- another name for Holland is the Netherlands.  
  
(The detectives crash into the water.)  
  
Crow  
The judges give that a 7.2.  
  
Tom  
Damn Russians! Always bringing down the score!  
  
(The detectives get out of the deep water and now are standing in  
knee deep water. They are shown soaking wet. The Chief signals   
the detectives. The camera then focuses on Zack's communicator.)  
  
Mike  
Hey, what time IS it?  
  
Zack: Go ahead, Chief.  
  
(Camera focuses on the Chief.)  
  
The Chief: Hot tip! This just in from Crimenet!  
  
(Pan out that shows the detectives. They now look dry.)  
  
Tom  
Hey, they're dry!  
  
(Camera zooms out a bit more and shows the detectives soaking wet.)  
  
Mike  
Now they're wet again.  
  
The Chief: Toriste Classe-  
  
Ivy: Was spotted in Amsterdam. (sarcastically)  
Thanks for the hot tip, Chief.  
  
The Chief: (his eyes are rolled upwards) Aw, get up on the wrong  
side of the web this morning, Charlotte?  
  
Crow  
Chief, you could use some Metamucil...  
  
Zack: Player, could you C-5 us to the Van Gogh Museum before Carmen's  
trail totally chills?  
  
Tom  
Like dude, no promises.  
  
(Scene shifts to inside the museum. A lady dressed in yellow walks down the  
hallway. The detectives C-5 inside.)  
  
Ivy: Hi..., we're from the Acme Detective Agency.  
  
Mike and the 'bots  
Hi..., we're from the Satellite of Love. Bite us!  
  
Lady (has odd accent): How did you get in herre without me hearring you?  
  
Zack: Dude, don't tax your noggin'. That's why (lifts up his right  
leg and points to his foot) they call 'em 'sneakers.'   
  
Mike   
(does a rimshot)  
  
(Zack puts his leg down.)  
  
Ivy: What can you tell us about this Van Gogh painting?   
  
Tom  
Inquiring Ivy wants to know.  
  
Why would Carmen just steal the eyes?  
  
Lady: Maybee she wanted the eyes beecause they were the most  
drraamatic of anee that Van Gogh painted.  
  
Tom (imitating accent) Carmen (quietly to herself)  
Oh, maybee you right? Sara Bellum? Is that you?  
  
(The Chief pulls up a file on Van Gogh. A silly drawing of  
the artist is shown painting his masterpieces rapidly.)  
  
The Chief: Van Gogh used bold colors and vibrant brush strokes.  
  
Mike  
He used LSD.  
  
Crow  
And lots of speed.  
  
(Van Gogh paints even more rapidly.)  
  
The Chief: Hey Vinnie, Vinmeister, be careful- you're making me nervous!  
  
Tom (Brooklyn accent)  
Yo Vinnie! Stop the painting!  
  
(Camera focuses on the detectives and the Lady.)  
  
Zack: Hey, wasn't Van Gogh the dude who went ballistic and cut off his  
own ear?  
  
Lady: He waz a trroubled man, porr Vincennt.  
  
Tom  
Aw.  
  
Lady: He sufferred through poverrtee and loneleeness  
  
Crow  
He was beaten by a paintbrush as a child!  
  
and only sold one painting in his whole lifetime. (sighs)  
Look arround eef you liike, the pollice arre compleetlee  
baffled.  
  
Mike  
That's cuz they didn't have their doughnuts yet.  
  
(A clanky windup robot toy of Carmen wobbles up to the detectives.)  
  
Robot Carmen Toy: I have the biggest nose, but I might be lyin'.  
  
Tom  
The HELL?  
  
Crow  
An insult to robots everywhere!  
  
Robot Carmen Toy: I have the biggest nose, but I might be lyin.  
  
(Toy wobbles and smokes.)  
  
Zack: It's a bomb! Duck! (kicks toy off camera)  
  
(Toy explodes.)  
  
Mike  
That toy failed every child safety test!  
  
(Camera zooms in on Zack who is ducked down. His butt faces the  
audience.)  
  
Tom  
Anybody want to 'crack' a joke here?  
  
Carmen (groans)  
  
Ivy: Get up Zack!  
  
(Zack looks up, but his butt still faces the audience.)  
  
Crow  
Just what DO you call that position?  
  
Ivy: It's just Carmen taunting us, as usual. Player, access files on  
big noses.  
  
(Camera focuses on the Player's hands which are typing rather quickly.)  
  
Crow  
I am calling up my Family Tree.  
  
(Camera focuses back on the detectives. A screen appears next to them. Pictures  
appear rapidly.)  
  
Crow (commenting on each picture)  
Anteater- My aunt.  
Elephant- My uncle.  
Clown- AAAAH!  
Mt. Rushmore- Those are my four big brothers.  
  
Zack: Hey! Mt. Rushmore! (a map of the USA appears in the lower  
left hand corner) That's in South Dakota. (South Dakota turns  
yellow on the map. The map zooms off the screen.)  
  
Mike and the 'bots (singing)  
Cruisin' USA...  
  
The Chief narrates: The faces of Mt. Rushmore took fourteen years to  
complete.  
  
Mike  
And were built by aliens! Ooh wee ooh!  
  
(Camera zooms in on Lincoln's face. A silly looking drawing of a basketball  
player is placed next to them.)  
  
Crow (Forrest Gump)  
Mama always said I could play in the NBA...  
  
The Chief: Lincoln was one of our tallest presidents, measuring six foot  
eight inches.   
  
Zack: Hmm, could the noses of any of these presidents be the industrial  
sized beaks Carmen's after?  
  
Ivy: I have the biggest nose, but I might be lyin'....  
  
Mike  
No Ivy, your nose is fine. Really.  
  
None of those presidents were known for lying.  
  
Zack: Cross reference big nose with famous liars.  
  
Tom  
Bill Clinton.  
  
Crow Mike  
OJ Simpson. Uh, guys?  
  
Tom  
Richard Nixon. Guys?  
  
Crow  
Leona Helmsley.  
  
Tom  
Paula Jones. It's Pinocchio!  
  
(Picture of Pinocchio appears on the screen. The Chief gives an  
overview of his story.)  
  
The Chief: Pinocchio's nose would grow when he lied.  
  
Pinocchio: I didn't lie! I was framed, I tell you!  
  
Crow (Edward G. Robinson)  
I was framed, see!  
  
(Pinocchio's nose grows.)  
  
Zack: Hang on a sec. Maybe we're picking the wrong noses.  
  
Ivy: Eeew! Zack!  
  
Mike  
Our sentiments exactly.  
  
Zack: Cuz, maybe we're picking the wrong lion. Maybe Carmen   
meant 'lion,' spelled l-i-o-n. Player, punch up some famous lions.  
  
Tom (Mufasa)  
Simba...  
  
(Pictures of lions go by.)  
  
Zack: Stop!   
  
Mike and the 'bots (singing)  
In the name of love...  
before you take my nose...  
  
(Picture now shows the Sphinx.)  
  
Zack: Look! The Sphinx! It has the head of a man, and a body of   
a lion. And, its nose is missing!  
  
Ivy: (odd tone of voice) Yes! Zack!  
  
Crow  
This is a kids' show, right?  
  
Zack: C-5 us to Egypt!  
  
(C-5 door is now focused on by the camera.)  
  
Tom  
We ought to get doors like that!  
  
(The camera moves a descent speed through the corridor.)  
  
Mike  
This is a journey....into your mind.  
  
Crow  
Any questions?  
  
(The large screen at the end of the tunnel is now in view.)  
  
Tom  
Worship the all mighty movie screen. Bow down and give sacrifice to it.  
  
(The Chief gives an overview of Egypt and the Sphinx. Then, a picture  
of the Sphinx is shown with an odd nose. It is highlighted with the words  
"Bogus Nose" written next to it.)  
  
Tom  
Michael Jackson, 3000 years ago.  
  
Zack: Who gave it the 'bogus nose job,' Chief?  
  
The Chief: No one knows for sure.  
  
Ivy: Some say that ancient armies used to use the Sphinx for target  
practice.  
  
(Silly drawn cartoon army appears on the screen. The captain raises  
his sword and the canon next to him is fired. The canon ball knocks  
off the Sphinx's nose.)  
  
Crow  
Michael Jackson- today.  
  
The Chief: That gives new meaning to blowing your nose, huh?  
  
Mike  
I'm laughing on the inside.  
  
(C-5 exit rapidly comes into view.)  
  
Crow  
Too fast!  
  
The Chief: Next stop, the Great Sphinx!  
  
(Camera shows the Sphinx's face.)  
  
Crow  
The creators of this show would like to thank Michael Jackson for his  
co-operation.  
  
(C-5 corridor opens up behind a large stone atop the Sphinx. Zack and Ivy  
peer around it and notice 3 henchmen with their backs to them.)  
  
Ivy: There's Carmen's henchmen! I don't think they're stealing the  
Sphinx at all! This is just a trap! (shakes head violently.)  
  
Tom  
Ivy has a seizure.  
  
Zack: Great, we're about to become history on a piece of history!  
  
(Shot of Zack's foot steeping into a crack.)  
  
Crow  
Nice shoes.  
  
(Zack trips.)  
  
Mike  
Call in the stunt double!  
  
(Zack begins to slide down the side of the Sphinx.)  
  
Ivy: Nice going!  
  
Mike (as Zack is falling)  
Bite......me.....!  
  
(The three henchmen charge after Ivy. Ivy kicks the first   
henchmen down.)  
  
Crow  
La Femme Nikita.  
  
(Ivy tumbles between the second henchman's legs.)  
  
Tom  
Xena, Warrior Princess.  
  
(Ivy tires to kick the third henchman but she loses her balance.  
She and the henchman fall. The henchman gets a rope attached to the  
top of the Sphinx. Ivy misses grabbing the rope and grabs the  
henchman's shoe.)  
  
Ivy: Zaaaack!  
  
Mike  
Get me a stunt double too!  
  
Zack: Hang on, Ivy! (boards a flying contraption and flies to  
the rescue.)  
  
(Camera focuses on Ivy and the henchman. The henchman's pants fall  
down, showing the henchman's heart decorated underwear.)  
  
Tom (turning to Carmen)  
Do you issue them that underwear?  
  
Carmen  
No.....  
  
(Zack flies underneath Ivy and she lands behind him on the  
gizmo, holding the henchman's pants. Two henchmen jump onto   
similar gizmos and pursue the detectives.)  
  
Crow  
To the henchmen mobiles!  
  
Tom  
Man, if this were Star Trek, those extras would be dead by now!  
  
Ivy: We can't outrun them!  
  
Zack: Trust me, we can outrun these geekwads on an anorexic  
turtle!  
  
Mike  
This kid know fifty languages. Is English REALLY one of them?  
  
(First henchman's vehicle blows up.)  
  
Tom  
Grandpa tried to program the VCR!  
  
(Second henchman's vehicle malfunctions and crashes.)  
  
Tom  
Oh, the microwave too? Can't we have nice things?  
  
(Zack laughs and does a loopy-dee-loop.)  
  
Mike  
Maverick....  
  
Ivy: Zack! Where did you learn to drive?  
  
Crow (Zack)  
On the bumper cars.  
  
Zack: Hey, the Sahara desert is the largest desert in the world.   
With three and a half million square miles of sand, the only thing   
I'm hitting is warp speed!  
  
(Ivy reaches into the henchman's pants' pocket.)  
  
Ivy: Hey! Look what that henchman had in his pants' pocket.  
Pesetas!   
  
Zack: Yeah and marbles don't float in ketchup. So what?  
  
Tom  
Hey Mike, I'd like to try that. Got any ketchup?  
  
Crow  
I got a marble!  
  
Ivy: Pesetas are Spanish currency...we're in Egypt!  
  
Zack: So, you think Carmen sent those three stooges from Spain?  
  
Tom (sarcastically)  
No!  
  
Ivy: I bet Carmen is there now!  
  
Tom (sarcastically)  
No!  
  
Hey, something is written on this one. It's says, 'Let's  
Go Cave?'  
  
(Zack reaches for them.)  
  
Mike (Zack)  
Let's get bent? Lemme see that!  
  
Zack: Let's go surfing and let's go to the movies, I understand.  
But what does 'Let's Go Cave' mean?  
  
(The Chief signals the detectives.)  
  
Zack: Go ahead, Chief.  
  
(The Chief appears right in front of them.)  
  
Tom  
Stop...doing...that!  
  
The Chief: Hot tip!   
  
(Detectives scream and crash.)  
  
The Chief: Carmen Sandiego robbed another  
museum!  
  
Ivy: (as she is speaking, she is beating sand off  
herself at what appears to be breast level.) Don't  
tell me- in Spain, right Chief?  
  
Tom  
Need a hand Ivy? I could help you.  
  
Mike  
Uh, kids' show....  
  
The Chief: She stole the nose from this Picasso  
painting.  
  
(The Chief places a picture of the painting on his view  
screen.)  
  
Mike and the 'bots (tilt their heads to try to figure out  
where the nose is)  
  
Zack: Carmen's stolen a pair of eyes, and a nose from two  
paintings. What do you wanna bet she's scoping out a famous  
mouth, right about now?  
  
Tom  
Fifty cents.  
  
Carmen (stares at Tom)  
  
Ivy: But which mouth?  
  
Zack: (taps Ivy on the head)  
  
Tom (makes knocking sounds each time Zack touches  
Ivy's head)  
  
Hello! Do some cerebrum sit-ups, Ivy!  
  
(Zack glides up to Ivy and poses. His hands are  
framed around his mouth.)  
  
Mike  
Zack's been struck with mime disease.  
  
Zack: Who has the most famous smile in the world?  
  
Ivy: (sighs) Tom Cruise.  
  
All (sing)  
Tommy can you hear me?  
  
Zack: No! From a famous painting!  
  
Ivy: Oh Zack, she's after the Mona Lisa! (in a singing sort  
of voice) You are a genius!  
  
Zack: I guess I am.  
  
Mike  
A moron.  
  
Zack: Now if only I knew where the Mona Lisa was. Player,  
some help?  
  
(C-5 appears from above.)  
  
Mike (Kirk)  
Scotty, beam us up.  
  
Tom (Scotty)  
Capt'n! I canna get the powa!  
  
(The C-5 door is shown.)  
  
The Chief's voice: We're C-5ing you from Egypt to  
Paris, France.  
  
Mike  
Where they hate Americans.  
  
(The corridor of the C-5 is moving very slowly in this  
section.)  
  
Crow (describing what he sees)  
Ghandi...,a rocket..., the Bible..., the Pythagorean Theorem...,  
Mona Lisa..., Shamu..., Mount Rushmore..., and a yak.  
  
The Chief's voice: Paris is home to many beautiful  
artifacts like the Mona Lisa.  
  
Mike (Nat King Cole)  
Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa  
Men have loved you...  
  
(The C-5 goes to an end. The camera shows the glass pyramid  
outside the Louvre.)  
  
Crow  
Now they're back in Egypt!  
  
(Shot of the Louvre's main building.)  
  
Tom  
That's my house.  
  
Crow  
No, it isn't!  
  
Tom  
Yes, it is.  
  
(The camera now shows Toriste Classe cutting the glass  
around the painting. He then stands up.)  
  
Toriste: Ah! The Mona Lisa!  
  
Mike  
Carmen, might I suggest stricter hiring policies?  
  
Carmen (glares at Mike)  
  
(Zack and Ivy C-5 in. Toriste sees Zack first.)   
  
Toriste: What! You!  
  
(Just then Ivy plunks a silver helmet on Toriste that  
looks very much like a football helmet.)  
  
Mike (finishing)  
Are John Elway! Ready, set, hut!  
  
(Three henchmen run down the hallway and spot the  
detectives.)  
  
One henchman: Hold it right there!  
  
Mike  
We want John Elway's autograph!  
  
(The detectives run past an odd statue of a centaur  
with a twisted support poll between its front and back legs.)  
  
Crow  
I call this one, "Screw Up My Crotch."  
  
(Zack and Ivy dash to two empty pillars and pose as statues.)  
  
Mike  
Acting.  
  
(The henchmen dash into the room. One stares at Zack. He  
giggles and waves. The henchmen dive at the detectives but  
fall right on their faces.)  
  
Mike  
Not acting.  
  
(Zack and Ivy roll the henchmen up in a large rug.)  
  
Crow  
Well, we got this rug to deliver now.  
  
(On screen Carmen stops the rug by placing her foot on it.)  
  
Carmen: I can't watch this. (ducks under her seat)  
  
On screen Carmen: (sporting a scarf across her face) Ah, my  
favorite detectives.  
  
(Zack and Ivy are then dragged off two henchmen. The henchmen  
place their hands over the detectives' mouths.)  
  
Mike  
Thank God! We forgot our lines!  
  
(Fade out.)  
  
Tom (to Carmen)  
You can get up now.  
  
The Chief's voice reads the quiz question: The largest desert in  
the world has about three and a half million square miles of sand.  
Can you name it?  
  
Carmen (gets back up)  
  
Crow  
When in doubt, pick 'C.'  
  
Tom  
There is no 'C', dummy. Besides, I know the answer.  
It's Wisconsin!  
  
Mike and Carmen  
Wisconsin?!  
  
Tom  
Yeah- it has three and a half square miles of NOTHING!  
  
Mike and Carmen (stare at Tom)  
  
(Fade in.)  
  
The Chief's voice answering the quiz question: The Sahara  
desert is the largest desert in the world.  
  
Tom  
I still think my answer was more informative.  
  
(Zack and Ivy are trapped in the museum's store room. Zack tries to  
pick the lock to the door with a crown.)  
  
Tom  
He's getting real familiar with that door...  
  
Ivy: (sarcastically) Pose as statues, they'll never see us!  
  
Zack: Hey, I didn't see you come up with anything better, sis!  
  
(Ivy comes over with a scepter and tries to pry open the door.)  
  
Crow  
Oh sure, I always use the priceless Crown Jewels to pry open  
my door!  
  
(Ivy grabs onto the chandelier above her.)  
  
Ivy: How many times do I have to tell you? (begins to  
swing towards the door) Don't- (kicks door)  
  
Tom  
Ow.  
  
Call me (kicks door)  
  
Tom  
Ow.  
  
SIS! (kicks door open)  
  
Tom  
Big ow!  
  
Zack: Okay, okay, you made your point!  
  
Mike  
You have PMS really bad!  
  
Ivy: Good, Zachary. (walks away from her brother)  
  
(Zack is alone for a moment with a huffy expression  
on his face.)  
  
Mike and the 'bots (make growling noises)  
  
(Zack exits. Scene shifts to outside a cafe in Paris.   
The Eiffel Tower is visible in the background.)  
  
Mike and the 'bots  
Phallic symbol!  
  
(Camera pans to show an old man with funny white hair  
and a checkered vest drawing the Eiffel Tower on the   
sidewalk. Zack and Ivy are standing behind him.)  
  
Tom (Scottish accent)  
Leave me alone to draw me phallic symbol.  
  
(The Chief signals the detectives.)  
  
Ivy: Go ahead, Chief.  
  
(The Chief appears on the ground in front of  
the old man. The man's eyes open wide.)  
  
Tom (Scottish accent)  
Oh me heart!  
  
The Chief: Hot tip! Carmen Sandiego has just  
stolen the airwaves for the entire world!  
Don't ask me how she did it.  
  
(The Chief appears on a multitude of screens.)  
  
Crow  
Fifty-seven channels and still nothing's on.  
  
The Chief: Here's Carmen!  
  
Carmen (ducks under her seat)  
  
On Screen Carmen: I've proven myself to be the  
world's greatest thief, time after time.  
  
Tom  
Greatest actress, no.  
  
Ivy: (notices something on the screen) Look  
at that- (points towards televisions and it appears  
her finger is in Zack's nostril.)  
  
Tom  
You had a booger.  
  
on the screen behind Carmen!  
  
(The camera zooms in to the wall behind the  
On Screen Carmen. There are many ancient  
animals painted on it looking like cows and bulls.)  
  
Mike and the 'bots: MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  
  
Crow  
Got milk?  
  
Zack: Where is that cave Carmen's beaming from?  
  
The Chief: That cave? That particular cave? Zack  
buddy, there are paintings like that (his screen  
shows the cave painting again)  
  
Mike and the 'bots: MOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  
  
in caves all over the world!  
  
(Camera shifts to the detectives.)  
  
Ivy: But Chief, Carmen was just in France and she  
should be somewhere close by.  
  
The Chief: (his face has returned to the screen)   
Okay, that I can live with.  
  
Mike  
This hair, I cannot.  
  
(The Chief names various caves, the last being  
the Lacoax.)  
  
Mike  
This is all French to me.  
  
Zack: Wait a minute! The Peseta!  
  
(Shot of Peseta with dippy scribblings. One  
is of some guy.)  
  
Crow  
I guess Spain has a goofy characture president.  
  
Ivy's voice: It's says "Let's go cave!"  
  
(Camera returns to the detectives.)  
  
Zack: But it didn't mean, "Let's go cave-"  
  
Ivy: It meant "Lacoax Cave."  
  
Zack: So then let's go to Lacoax!  
  
Tom (Butt-head)  
Huh-huh, he made a funny.  
  
Book it Player!  
  
(Shot of inside Lacoax Cave. On Screen Carmen is  
standing near the far cave wall. Three nameless henchmen  
are around her- one with a camera, one with a  
microphone, and one with a spotlight.)  
  
On Screen Carmen: Now I will reveal my masterpiece to the  
world  
  
Mike  
Which wouldn't be my acting.  
  
and put away forever in my private art museum.  
  
(The C-5 corridor opens.)  
  
Mike  
Sliders...  
  
Tom  
...on Sci-fi.  
  
Crow  
DON'T CANCEL US!!!  
  
(The detectives exit the corridor and hide behind a  
nearby rock.)  
  
Zack: (whispering) Look, it's Carmen! Let's get her!  
  
Ivy: Take it easy, Zack. We can't take on all those henchmen  
single-handedly, but with this marker (pulls a marker out of her  
jacket) and those bats (looks up and sees the bats) we might just  
get through this.  
  
Mike  
Sure, MacGyver.  
  
(Shot of the painted cows and bulls.)  
  
Mike and the 'bots  
MOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Ivy: Let's do it!   
  
(Ivy jumps out from behind the rock and pulls the  
spotlight up to shine on the bats on the cave's ceiling.)  
  
Crow  
The bat signal!  
  
(The bats begin to fly down towards the henchmen.)  
  
Mike and the 'bots (hum "Cyclone")  
  
On Screen Carmen: Remove these bats- immediately!  
  
Crow  
I'll get you my pretty!!  
  
(Bats begins to fly right at Toriste and the nameless  
henchmen.)  
  
Mike  
The sequel to "The Birds" - "The Bats."  
  
One Henchman: Get outta here! (swings microphone  
at the bats, and misses. Instead, he hits the  
spotlight and knocks it to the ground.)  
  
Mike  
Pete Townsend makes a movie.  
  
(The spotlight bursts into flames and the flames ignite  
nearby wires.)  
  
Mike and the 'bots (hum the "Mission: Impossible" theme)  
  
(Camera shifts to On Screen Carmen.)  
  
On Screen Carmen: Toriste, get my masterpiece. (walks through  
the smoke around her and disappears.)  
  
(Camera shifts to Toriste who dashes up to the painting, which  
is covered by a white sheet.)  
  
Toriste: (as he grabs the painting) Heh-heh. (dashes off camera)  
  
Tom (Butt-head)  
Painting, cool.   
  
(Camera shifts to Zack and Ivy, who dive for the ground as smoke  
surrounds them.)  
  
Crow  
Stop, drop and roll!  
  
(The detectives dash through the smoke and outside, coughing all  
the way. They see On Screen Carmen's hovercraft take off in the  
distance. Scene then shifts to the cockpit of the hovercraft  
where On Screen Carmen, Toriste and two henchmen are. Toriste  
and On Screen Carmen are seated on chairs raised above the  
two henchmen, who appear to be piloting the vehicle.)  
  
On Screen Carmen: Those detectives have only managed to delay  
the moment when I'll reveal my masterpiece to the world.  
  
Mike  
Dialogue you could drive a truck through.  
  
Toriste: (patting the painting) Yes, I got it right here, Carmen.  
  
Crow (Toriste)  
I like to whack off with my painting.  
  
(Camera shifts to Zack and Ivy who seem to be standing proudly.)  
  
Ivy: Well, I guess we showed Carmen this time.  
  
Tom (Zack)  
All's swell that ends swell!  
  
Zack: Did you do something horribly ingenious?  
  
(Shot of Toriste, who is pulling the sheet off to  
look at the painting. When he pulls the sheet off,  
it reveals a canvas depicting stick figures of Zack and  
Ivy.)  
  
Toriste: What?!  
  
Mike (finishing)  
...the HELL is that?  
  
Ivy: I did a little "art work" of my own.  
(smiles) She shoots-  
  
Zack: She scores!  
  
Tom (Butt-head)  
He said score.  
  
(The detectives high-five each other.)  
  
Ivy: I guess we do make a pretty good  
team.  
  
Zack: Aw, you can log me in anytime as your  
partner si...I mean...Ivy.  
  
Mike  
Just avoided an asskicking there.  
  
Ivy: Thanks Zack. Now, let's retrace our  
steps and restore three masterpieces.  
  
(Zack and Ivy walk off towards the horizon. The  
camera then shifts to the Player's room.)  
  
(Text appears on the Player's computer screen.)   
  
On Screen Carmen's voice: (narrating the text) I  
stole some of the greatest art in the world.  
  
Tom  
Yippie.  
  
Player: (types the following as he says it) But I got   
it back.  
  
Crow  
Good for you.  
  
On Screen Carmen's voice: (narrating the text that  
appears on the screen) Next time, you might not  
be so lucky.  
  
Player: (types the following as he says it) Next time,  
I may just catch you.  
  
Crow  
Next time, I may say something witty.  
  
On Screen Carmen's voice: (narrating the text that  
appears on the screen) Until then, Player....  
  
Tom  
Keep typing.  
  
(Show logo appears on the Player's screen. Fade out.)  
  
(End credits begin with a horrid rendition of the theme  
song.)  
  
All  
AAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Crow  
Who'd they get, an epileptic choir?!  
  
Mike  
Let's get outta here.  
  
(Tom hops into Mike's arms. He then turns towards Carmen.)  
  
Tom  
Carmen, it's over now...  
  
(Carmen gets out from underneath her seat. Crow exits  
the theater first, followed by Mike and Tom. Carmen  
follows them out of the theater.)  
  
(Theater doors close behind them. Fade in to Carmen and  
the 'bots on the SOL bridge. Crow and Tom are simply  
glaring at Carmen. Carmen sighs.)  
  
Tom: Okay, care to explain that little number?  
  
Crow: It made no sense! C'mon! I mean, those  
paintings together....it would look so...man...I  
can't even think what it would look like!  
  
Carmen: Now can you see why I was so ashamed of  
watching myself?  
  
Tom: Yeah!  
  
(Mike enters.)  
  
Mike: Oh c'mon, you're not going to harass Carmen now?  
  
Crow: And why shouldn't we? We all had to sit through that  
lameass display.  
  
Mike: And who hurt the most after that experience?  
  
Crow and Tom: Carmen.  
  
Mike: Right.  
  
Crow: (growls) Okay, Nelson. You got a point there.  
  
Tom: So?  
  
Crow: (to Tom) Huh?  
  
Tom: Oh no, we're not letting her get off that easily!  
  
Mike: Tom, c'mon, knock it off.  
  
Tom: No way, man.  
  
Mike: What if I found some embarrassing footage of you, huh?  
What if I forced you to watch that and then decided to make fun  
of you afterwards, huh?  
  
Tom: Like what?  
  
Mike: (thinks) Well...I'm sure I could easily find something...  
  
Crow: I know! I know! One time Tom had me paint him peach so  
he'd look like a real boy and-  
  
Tom: That was just a phase!  
  
Mike: Huh?  
  
Crow: This was years ago...back when Joel was here.  
  
Mike: Really...hmm...perhaps Cambot has footage of that   
stored away somewhere...  
  
Tom: You wouldn't dare try to find it!  
  
Mike: Well...  
  
Tom: (growls) Okay, okay, I get it. We all have our bad days.  
I'll lay off.  
  
Mike: Good.  
  
Carmen: Thanks Mike.  
  
Mike: You're welcome. (looks at Carmen somewhat oddly) I kinda  
figured though...you'd, kinda, say something on your behalf in  
there...  
  
Carmen: Well, if I was allowed a word in there, I would have.  
But you actually brought my points across anyway.  
  
Mike: Oh good.  
  
Carmen: (yawns) I feel rather tired...  
  
Mike: Well, you could sleep in my room (quickly adds) I mean,  
I'd sleep out here and you could have my room.  
  
Crow: (snickers) Geez Mike, you are so ready for rejection, you  
automatically resign yourself to sleeping on the couch...well,  
counter, in this case.  
  
(Carmen gives a quizzical look to Mike.)   
  
Mike: I've...I've had some relationship troubles....  
  
Tom: Some? Heh-heh...  
  
(Crow snickers.)  
  
Carmen: (with a sly look) I don't see why you're so hard on yourself,  
or why those robots get such pleasure out of making fun of you.   
(puts her hand underneath Mike's chin) I mean, you are rather handsome...  
  
Crow: Handsome?!  
  
Carmen: (looking deep into Mike's eyes) And you have such a sweet  
nature...  
  
Tom: Mike?! Sweet?!  
  
Mike: (looking a bit bashful) I-I...  
  
Carmen: (puts her index finger on his lips) Shh. You don't  
need to say anything. (grins at Mike and puts her hands on either  
side of his head. She then gives Mike a kiss.)  
  
(Mike's eyes pop out of his head. The robots look disgusted.)  
  
Carmen: What's wrong?  
  
Mike: N-nothing...I just...I just....  
  
Carmen: Oh, stop it. (grins at Mike and goes to kiss him again)  
  
(The robots begin to make gagging noises.)  
  
Carmen: (turns to the robots) If you don't like seeing this,  
you can leave.  
  
Tom: She ain't gonna kiss him again.  
  
Crow: If she does, I'm outta here.  
  
Tom: Me too!  
  
Carmen: (grins playfully) Suit yourself, boys. (she  
begins to kiss Mike again)  
  
Crow and Tom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOO! (they dash off)  
  
(Carmen watches the robots leave out of the corner of her eye  
and then finishes kissing Mike. Mike stares at Carmen for  
a moment with a pleased, yet confused expression.)  
  
Mike: (catching his breath) Wow...that was... (takes Carmen  
by the hands) I mean...  
  
(Carmen bows her head.)  
  
Mike: (gets crestfallen) Oh...I guess...  
  
Carmen: (still looking downward) I...I shouldn't  
have done that. (looks up into Mike's eyes) I mean,  
It's not that I totally lied. You are handsome and sweet...I-I   
just-  
  
Mike: (sighs) No, I get it. (lets go of her hands and begins to  
walk away) I'll go make up the bed now. (begins to exit)  
  
Carmen: Mike...  
  
(Mike turns towards Carmen. Carmen leans against the counter.)  
  
Carmen: Come here.  
  
(Mike leans on the counter next to Carmen with an uncertain  
expression on his face.)  
  
Carmen: (with a grin) You gotta admit, that was pretty funny.  
  
Mike: (with a slight smile) We did get them going, huh?  
  
Carmen: (laughs, then look at Mike a bit with seriousness) You're  
not upset, are you?  
  
Mike: (grinning and shaking his head) Nah. C'mon, let's call Crow  
and Tom back here and have a good laugh at their expense.  
  
Carmen: (smiling) Sure, why not?  
  
Mike: Oh Crow? Tom? Come on back here.  
  
(Tom and Crow return, but look ready to dash back off.)  
  
Mike: (flashing an evil grin) Man, did we have you going! You  
fell for that! (laughs)  
  
Carmen: That, I must admit, was too easy.  
  
Tom: Damn, I knew that had to be a setup!  
  
Crow: And we fell for it!  
  
Tom: Why I oughta...  
  
Carmen: Tom?  
  
Tom: Yeah?  
  
Carmen: Bite me.  
  
(Mike and the 'bots gasp.)  
  
Mike: You saying that can only mean one thing...  
  
Carmen: And that is?  
  
Mike: It's official, you're one of us now.  
  
Carmen: (smiles and shakes her head) I guess so....   
(smiles again)  
  
(Fade out, MST3K end theme plays.)  
  
Stinger: Toriste Classe grabs the painting, says "Heh-heh"   
and dashes off camera.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
